


long gone

by softambrollins



Category: Professional Wrestling
Genre: Angry Sex, Angst, Depression, Goodbye Sex, Insecurity, M/M, Post-Break Up, Self-Destruction, Self-Hatred, Unhappy Ending, seth's heel turn a.k.a. seth hates himself and wants everyone else to hate him too
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-11-27
Updated: 2019-11-27
Packaged: 2021-02-26 04:54:33
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,961
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/21577906
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/softambrollins/pseuds/softambrollins
Summary: "God, Seth," Dean grits out, sounding frustrated and heartbroken at the same time. "What the hell happened to you?"Seth just gives him a pained smile before he says, "You. You happened to me. You left. And I lost more than I even realised. Things I can never get back. And now everything else is gone too. Roman's gone. My title's gone. The fans hate me. The whole locker room hates me. And you're so happy, living out your dreams, while everything that I care about is falling apart."
Relationships: Dean Ambrose | Jon Moxley/Seth Rollins | Tyler Black
Comments: 4
Kudos: 40





	long gone

**Author's Note:**

> Post-RAW 25/11/2019.
> 
> So, it only took about 7 months but Seth's finally completely lost his fucking mind after Dean left him. [pops champagne to celebrate him being totally miserable and fucked-up and losing his will to live] YAY. 
> 
> I'm really going through it though, so obviously I had to write this to make myself even more depressed. :(((
> 
> [Talking in Code](https://youtu.be/T5RfRgG5cEI) is basically the soundtrack to this.

Seth doesn't even know how it happens but somehow, after laying Owens out with a pair of stomps and leaving the arena, he ends up back in a darkened hotel room staring across at Dean Ambrose. And _of course_ he'd somehow be in the same city this week when he's currently the last person on the planet Seth wants to see right now. He should've ignored his call. He should've told him not to come here, that he didn't want to talk to him. But some part of him feels like it all had to come to a head eventually. And Seth's done pretending, done ignoring, done apologising. Dean never did.

"What do you want?" he asks, voice toneless. His arms are still crossed over his chest, tense, guarded, and he hasn't looked him in the eye since he got here.

"You okay?" Dean asks, like they're just having a casual conversation. "Because from what I watched tonight, it doesn't look like you are."

Seth lets out a small, mocking laugh. "Seriously? You wanna know if I'm okay? _Now?_ You didn't seem to care so much before."

Dean huffs a sigh, before swallowing hard like he's trying to stay calm. "That's unfair, Seth."

"Unfair?" Seth asks skeptically, eyebrows raised. "You mean, _unfair_ like you leaving and breaking my heart and then showing up _over there_ without telling me anything about it? Having to find out with everyone else like an idiot? That kind of _unfair_?"

" _Jesus Christ_ , Seth, it's been six months," Dean snaps, almost like he didn't mean to. "I told you I was sorry about that. What the hell do you want me to do?" 

The _Get over it_ is implied. But _no_. Maybe it was so, so easy for Dean to start over fresh and let go of the past, let go of _him_ , but Seth isn't so lucky.

Seth just levels an accusatory glare at him. "Exactly, Dean, it's been _six months_. You don't get to just show up here and ask me if I'm _okay_. We're not just friends catching up. It isn't so simple. We're not _anything_ anymore, are we? Because that's how you want it." 

Dean just recoils away from him like he's genuinely taken aback, a dazed, disbelieving look in his eyes.

" _God_ , Seth," Dean grits out, sounding frustrated and heartbroken at the same time. "What the hell happened to you?"

Seth just gives him a pained smile before he says, " _You_. You happened to me. You left. And I lost more than I even realised. Things I can never get back. And now everything else is gone too. Roman's gone. My title's gone. The fans hate me. The whole locker room hates me. And you're so happy, living out your dreams, while everything that I care about is falling apart."

Dean took something from him when he left: a part of his heart, a part of his soul, maybe some more for good measure. His belief in things. In love. In ever being truly happy again. So this is what he's left with. He'll do whatever he has to, to make Raw what it used to be, to prove everyone else wrong. He'll put the entire company on his back and drag it back up the mountain, step by agonising step, even if it kills him. This is all he has now. Wrestling. Proving himself. Making the change he wants to see in the world. It's all he had when he was a scrawny, cocky kid first breaking into the business and it's all he's left with now. There's something pure about that, almost, something simple. Nothing else matters. Everything else just betrays you if you wait long enough. All believing in things gets you is being disappointed and heartbroken, over and over again. Seth only has himself. He's always only had himself.

Dean's expression just changes all at once, growing softer, and he takes a small step forward into Seth's space, one hand slightly outstretched in front of him, cautious. Seth flinches away from his touch, hating everything about the worried look in his eyes.

"No, Seth, no," he says, shaking his head, like he's sorry. And the pity in his soft voice makes him want to fucking wreck something. The room. Dean's face. His own fucking insides. 

"It's not my fault, Seth. It's _yours_. You chose this. You're choosing to drive everyone away. You're a better person than this. I _know_ that," Dean continues, almost like a plea.

"No," Seth breathes, looking him right in the eyes. "I was never a good person. I tried, I tried _so, so hard_ , Dean. For _you_. Because I wanted you to _love_ me. But it was all a lie. Just like _this_. Because you left me just like everyone else."

"Seth, _please_ , you don't have to do this — " Dean begins gently.

"I thought this was _real_ ," Seth bursts out, gesturing between them forcefully. "I thought this _meant_ something to you."

"Fuck you, Seth," Dean tells him, voice hoarse, and seeing him finally get angry makes his heart pound faster in his chest. "You _know_ what this means to me."

"Does it, though?" Seth counters. "Because you chose yourself over _us_. Because you're just as selfish as everyone else."

"I'm not gonna apologise for that, Seth. You _know_ that. You're not gonna make me feel guilty for doing what was right for me just because you're throwing some kind of temper tantrum because you're not getting enough _attention_ anymore," Dean responds scornfully.

"This isn't about me, Dean," he says evenly. "It's bigger than that. I just want everything to be better. I want the show to be better. I want the company that you fucking hate so much to be better. Because that's _all_ I have now. And I don't care if everyone hates me for it. No one else has the guts to step up and do it."

"No, Seth, all you're gonna do is end up miserable and _alone_. And I'm not gonna stand here and watch you turn into — this, whatever _this_ is, again." Dean looks almost disgusted by him and Seth feels a sick sense of accomplishment.

"Okay, fine. Leave then. That's what you do best," Seth spits out bitterly, pointing at the door.

Dean just stops in his tracks at Seth's final words, turns back to him, finally reaches out and grabs his arm firmly, roughly pulling him towards him until their faces are about an inch apart. "What the fuck do you _want_ , Seth? You want me to hit you? Show you I still care about you? Isn't that a bit overdone now?" Dean says, fury and hopelessness etched into all of his features.

Seth just sneers back at him. "I don't want anything from you, Dean. I don't have any reason to _try_ anymore. Because I don't have anything left."

Seth watches as an array of conflicting emotions flicker across his face — sadness, anger, desperation, even a hint of fear. He just stares up at him, unblinking, taking deep breaths. Waiting for him to give in to one or many or just decide he's not worth it and actually walk away for real now. For good.

He's not even surprised when Dean grabs a fistful of his hair tightly with his other hand and smashes their mouths together in a bruising kiss. It's all teeth and tongue and noses pressed together, rough beards catching against each other, the friction painful and exhilarating at the same time. Dean grips his jaw hard now, bites down on his lip as he shoves him back against the wall behind them, before plundering his mouth with his tongue. Seth moans, breathless and wanton, both hands roaming downwards to cup his ass through his jeans. He's pretty sure Dean's already hard, and he presses his hips up against Dean's, denim rubbing against denim creating a spark of pure _need_ between them. 

Dean slowly moves his mouth down over his jaw, teeth grazing the line of his throat, stopping to suck a mark into his skin right above his collarbone. He puts his hands under Seth's shirt, nails dragging over the bare skin of his lower back. Seth uses his preoccupation to slide one hand around and between them to unbutton his pants and then the other inside his underwear, feeling the intense heat there. Dean gasps out a curse against his skin, pressing his hips closer for a second before moving his own hand down and inside Seth's pants in turn. They jerk each other off in tandem, Dean breathing hot and wet over his collarbone, Seth's head falling limply onto Dean's shoulder, feeling like his legs are about to give out, like the wall behind him and Dean's body in front of him are all that's keeping him standing. 

Seth feels when Dean comes inside his own body like an aftershock. He thrusts into his hand desperately a few more times, making low groans in his throat, riding out the waves of release. He's not finished before Seth's following close behind, Dean's hand sliding warm and rough over him in the same rhythm as his hips. Seth muffles his cries into Dean's shoulder, eyes squeezed shut, fingers tightly gripping his hipbone. Dean eventually stops moving against him, exhaling a colourful sequence of curses, before going completely still and silent, face buried in his chest.

They just stay like that for a couple more minutes, bodies tangled up together, panting into each other's skin. Dean eventually raises his head up, presses a kiss to the side of his jaw that's unexpectedly tender. 

Seth just looks at him and then suddenly feels himself go cold all over, gently pushing him away a little so he can sidestep out from between him and the wall.

Dean looks across at him almost like he's been punched.

"Just go," Seth tells him, voice empty and defeated, his gaze falling to the floor. It's not a warning, it's just resigned. It's an absolution. If Dean's never coming back, then there's no reason for them to be anything to each other anymore. Dean's happier without him. Seth needs to move on, refocus, put his energy and heart into things he can actually have.

Dean just stands there for a minute, Seth feeling his lingering gaze on him. He finally looks up at him and Dean just barely nods at him. Then he sets his jaw, face twisting into an expression of regret, almost longing, before he turns and finally walks over to the door, opens it and leaves. Just like everyone else. Just like he did before. 

Seth just stares at the bare walls in the dim light, without really seeing them. Dean was always going to leave, he knows that now. He knew it years ago and he tried to prevent it by leaving first. But it didn't work, nothing worked. Seth was always destined to be the one left behind. Because he wasn't enough, he would never be enough. He's done too many bad things in his life, he's fucked up too many times. He has too much blood and hurt on his hands. He's always going to be this, whatever this is, the thing Dean looked so repulsed by. His own selfishness and pride and greed eating away at him from the inside like poison. It's in his bones and in his soul. Irrevocably.

Dean would always be happier somewhere else. Dean's been long gone since even before he left. He's been leaving for years. Slipping out of his hands like a ghost no matter how hard he tried to cling on to him. Every time Seth closes his eyes, all he can see is Dean walking away from him. Again and again. Into infinity.


End file.
